omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize