he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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