I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
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He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
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BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
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