My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
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I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
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I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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