just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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