My friends, they love my intelligence
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.