apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
what day is it and did you see me today?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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