I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
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how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
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Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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