I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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