I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
