Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
