he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
