im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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