So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
