My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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