I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
