im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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