He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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