Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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