Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
