there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
23 People Have Step Parents That Are Younger Than Them
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?