No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
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He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
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I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????