cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
