People with herpes should wear stickers.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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