I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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