I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
