Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
