so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
