Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it