They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
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Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
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Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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