remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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