I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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