I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
