but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.