She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
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Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
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Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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