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If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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