its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
