Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
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She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
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WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
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