White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
