so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
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