I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
