I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
