Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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