i wish starbucks made bloody marys
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on