ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.