I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me