Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
