K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
