I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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