what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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