remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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