dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
