I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
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I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
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You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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